Yes yes yes, I know.
My thoughts have taken up every fiber of my being.
2017 and it’s resulting adjustment have been extremely hard on me emotionally. Anthony is officially gone “last year.”
My son died in 2016 and it’s now 2017. New Years Eve was horrible. Just as I predicted. By 1030pm I was in full seismic meltdown. I felt like I would pass out.
Thank goodness we only live 5 houses from his sister. Lou had to get me home, fast. I couldn’t even say goodbye to anyone. I was stealthily snuck out the door and in my pajamas, clutching my dog 10 minutes later. I was asleep shortly thereafter. I didn’t want any part of the midnight hour.
How do I live with any semblance of normalcy knowing Anthony is now “history?”
The mere thought rips my insides apart. I can feel my stomach tearing itself in half every time I think about it.
I couldn’t go to my son’s grave until last Saturday the 14th and I sobbed my heart out. Staring at the date 2016 and all the beautiful family photos Lou put up for his Birthday and Christmas again sent me over the edge. My body spasmed hard and I doubled over from the pain.
God I miss my baby boy.
In between January 1st and the 14th, I started making mental commitments to evaluate my and my family’s experience since Anthony died. I also began practicing meditation.
So, where have my thoughts been?
- Where were we then? Where are we now?
- Is our family dynamic strong? Are we at each others throats?
- Can we talk honestly about Anthony and smile or even express anger? Or are we stuck in avoidance and cry?
- Are we pursuing the goal of mental health (either by being in treatment or having a strong support person/group)?
- Are my son’s progressing in their lives? Job, school, friends? Are they “stuck?”
- Who has been there with support, unconditionally? Who has let us down?
- Physically, how are we? Are we healthy or are we getting sick or in my case, heavier…
- What do each of us need? Want?
I am happy to report the exercise resulted in some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that my boys are both progressing and have a solid support system. Lou has gotten very close to one of our parish’s Priests, and he is moving forward emotionally. I am mentoring, working and meditating. I resumed Cardio and weight training. All good things.
The bad news, I had a lot of negativity still around me. As a result, I cut some people and things out of my own life that were negatively impacting my ability to focus on my son’s, and our family life in general. I do feel badly for a for a few of the people that had to go, some of them were long known and trusted. But you cannot expect to try to dictate someone else’s thoughts or actions when they grieve. The negativity was insurmountable.
As they say, “bye Felicia…”
It does hurt. But hey, life is no picnic. And I am sorry but, I owe no one (except my children) anything.
My introspection also resulted in the fact that I had to face, head on, that I am up 20 lbs and the scales are only gonna climb if I stay on my current path. Not good. So hence the result of that previously posted good news.
My bereavement groups are a huge comfort and I have been speaking to them, at great lengths during my introspection. Who else knows me better at this time, than another grieving parent?
Many of the parents contributed that they too, went through this phase and it was very healthy. Some did it after a year, others sooner, others took 3 or more years. But at some point, you (grieving or not) have to sit down and take stock of where you now are.
Where is your family?
Have you tried an introspection? I would love to hear from you. Grieving or not.
It’s nice to be back. I missed you.