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The Finality of It All – Approaching 50 and Fabulous
Aging Anxiety Bereavement Family Midlife Moms Parenting Work life balance

The Finality of It All

December 30, 2016

Somehow I made it through the Holidays and Anthony’s 25th Birthday.  I don’t even recall most of the days to be honest.  I can’t tell you if I had a smile at any point or not because I simply “live in the moment and move on.”  

No lasting thoughts…

No plans for tomorrow…

His First Holidays in Heaven came…

And went…

Much like most days do. No tree to take down, no lights to de-string. They were just days.  

I cried more than usual, of course.  

I tried to make the Holidays semi-special for the boys, my nieces and nephews. Kids don’t understand why Santa won’t come this year.  They all deserved a little something… Anthony always loved presents and he would have wanted the kids to have them. 

Anthony was a bigger kid than anyone, even in his 20s. Always trying to sneak peeks at presents before they’re under the tree. Never failed. 

Oh and if you didn’t get him a “good” present the spoilt brat in him would emerge. He was such a terror.  

Gosh I miss those moments…

Why God did you take them away from me?? 

It’s all behind me now. December 30 is here. 

The fact that 2016 is coming to a close is making me ill. Physically and mentally. Ill like no other time this year.  

I am in a daily yoga, meditation and breathing exercise rotation so I don’t lose it. My Doctor can only do so much and I don’t want to rely upon him. I have to be able to survive this. 

Surviving this is so hard. 

I simply want to crawl into a hole and be alone. Every day. Of course that’s not possible most days, but it is what I would Like to do. 

When I am alone, I imagine am fine.  I play my games on my phone, or read my book.  Do some yoga, meditate. 

Here comes New Year’s Eve. UGH. 

I am supposed to have dinner by Lucy’s house tomorrow. The thought of a crowd makes me want to vomit.  

I have to go, my boys want to and it’s all family. I can’t disappoint the boys now. They need me to be strong and try to get through the day and evening. 

However, between you and me, I have no intention on staying at her house until midnight. There is no way in hell. Just sayin’

I want to be in my bed asleep when 2017 gets here. I have no intention of “ringing in the New Year.”

Fuck off 2017. 

Once 2016 comes to a close, Anthony will have died “last year.”  He will no longer be “current.”  His date of death will forever be February 11, 2016. 

My son becomes someone who passed away in 2016 and we are living in 2017. He is forever gone now.  He is final. History has written itself. 

I cannot bear to think of a year passing without my baby. My sweet Anthony. How could it be a year already?

Once 2017 arrives, there is no currency in my son’s passing. He gets lumped in with everyone else who passed this year and we ring in a new one. 

See ya 2016…

Fuck off 2017…

I know, I know I am overthinking this but put yourself in my shoes.  As a parent, I now have to go into a new year with one child permanently missing.  Knowing your son is part of “last year’s memories” is not an easy idea to process. 

How can I face 2017 without him?

Once January 1 hits, every event leading up to and including his death, occurred last year in 2016. 

We, the living, move forward.  

The departed are permanently etched in time. 

Moving into a New Year will bring more memories Anthony will miss – Luciano and Jennifer’s simultaneous HS Graduation.  Not one, but 3 weddings, 3 new babies…

All new things in 2017, and 2016 is final. 

2016 is almost behind us. 

The finality of it all is simply shitty.  There is no other way to say it.  

Fuck off 2017. 

I don’t want my son to be a piece of history.  I don’t want him to be “last year’s news.”  

I am screwed. Time stops for no man. Better get ready to kiss 2016 goodbye. At midnight tomorrow, it’s all gone, 2016 is a memory. 

THE FINALITY OF IT ALL IS NOT SIMPLY SHITTY, IT IS SUPER FUCKING CRAPOLA SHITTY AND ANTHONY DOESN’T DESERVE TO BE A MEMORY.  

FUCK OFF 2017. 

🖕🏼~ Miranda (💋) 

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2 Comments

  • Reply Gina George December 31, 2016 at 2:23 am

    I’ll be thinking of you & your family tomorrow evening as 2016 comes to a close may God Bless you always & thank you for keeping it real ..

    • Reply Miranda Allen December 31, 2016 at 1:56 pm

      Thank you Gina. I appreciate you saying that I “keep it real.” That is what I hope to do via my writing, express real feelings.

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