Bereavement Family Little Moments Moms Parenting

Be Not Afraid

December 7, 2016

Is Anthony afraid in Heaven?”

“Is Anthony crying out in loneliness and wishing he could be home?”

“Is my Baby Boy crying in Heaven and begging St. Peter for a do-over?”

These are the questions I asked myself during Mass last night.  

Yes, Monday night Mass. 

It was was a memorial Mass for my Priest’s sister who recently died of an aneurysm at 42.  Pictures of her graced a table in front of the altar. She looked like a beautiful person.  

I never met her, shame

Too young, gone too soon. Just like my Anthony. 

What a beautiful service. Full with parishioners from mine and other churches, visiting clergy, family and friends.  There were 6 Celebrants, and our Monsignor delivered a Gospel reading and Homily that brought tears to my eyes.  

It was a moving evening, both in tribute to her, and my identity with the personal sadness and tragedy of loss. These situations take on a whole different meaning when you have lost a child. 

Suddenly as I kneeled in prayer and listened to the words, I felt a wave of fear come over me.  

“Is Anthony afraid in Heaven?”

“Is Anthony crying out in loneliness and wishing he could be home?”

“Is my Baby Boy crying in Heaven and begging St. Peter for a do-over?”

For the FIRST time since his death almost 10 months ago, I wondered how he felt now…

“Is he lonely?”

Is he looking down crying to come home?

I realized that MY world, here on Earth surrounds me with all of you, my caring family and friends.  

I may feel a sense of longing and loss, but I will never be alone.  So many of you to give my love, time and attention to. 

“Is Anthony ok up there?”

I have always assumed yes, but am I making the wrong assumption?  

“Is he moping around, feeling alone?”

As I kneel in the church, I realize I cannot answer any of these questions.  That realization stings my soul like a mother f’er.  

I can’t console my Baby and tell him it’s ok. 

I can’t put my arms around him and hold him tight, to let him cry. He hates to cry. However he would cry in front of me. 

“Does he know how much I miss him?”

“Is he consumed by the realization that he will never be home with his family?”

…the same way that realization is consuming me at this very moment.  As I kneel here in this church and stare at the cross…

May my God, any God be watching over him. Someone needs to.  He is still just a young boy. My baby…

I can only hope he’s fine.  

I can only hope Heaven is as wonderful as they say it is… 

I realize I have forced myself to believe he is ok, but is he??  

I won’t know until I join him.  

One day…

Until then, it’s a matter of trust.  

Be Not Afraid Anthony…

Be Not Afraid. Please. 

Ma loves you, always. 

💋~ Miranda

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