Dark tears stream cold against my skin. My mascara is running.
I found a picture of a local bar that Anthony had decorated for Halloween last year. He had a part-time gig with a holiday lighting and decoration company. One of his many short-term jobs… but it was a job he really enjoyed. He was so damn creative.
Couple finding this memory with the songs “When We Were Young” AND “All I Ask,” both by Adele, back to back on my Top Amazon Prime Songs playlist. Total coincidence.
Total painful coincidence.
Lyrics like these tear apart my insides:
Everything just takes me back
To when you were there
To when you were there
And a part of me keeps holding on
Just in case it hasn’t gone
I guess I still care
Do you still care?
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young
I was so young when I gave birth to Anthony, only 25. I hardly knew who I was, much less prepared to be a Mom. Lou and I wanted children, but we had no idea what having them would entail.
Anthony never slept and had horrible croup cough almost 2 years. When he finally DID sleep through the night, it was too late. I was physically exhausted. AND Joey was on the way.
Then as Anthony grew older, that child pushed every button of my emotions that he could. From undying love to sheer rage, I have experienced the full spectrum of my emotions. It’s no wonder I needed help managing my emotions as he got older.
There is NO shame in asking for professional help. Anyone who tells you otherwise needs the help for themselves. Just sayin’.
Now that my firstborn is in Heaven, I have a hard time remembering the happiness sometimes.
Thank goodness for photos. Most days, there are fleeting moments of recollection, but it truly upsets me that I don’t have “warm and fuzzy” memories all the time.
Maybe it was because I was so young when I started out as a Mom… maybe it is all the stress Anthony brought to my life…
The hundreds of times I wondered “Why me?”
Well, now I have an eternity of “why me?”
This kid was tough to love.
If I could leave you all with one piece of advice today, hug your children. No matter if they’re the biggest shits to you in the entire world, hug them.
If they don’t hug you back, call them out on it.
Both of you. Use TWO hands.
Tell them you love them.
Tell them you need them.
I don’t have to tell you why that’s important….