Where the heck has a year gone? I just turned 49 yesterday (or so it seems).
Here is my post from September 1st last year:
Pretty superficial and kind of silly if you ask me. Last September, I hired a web designer to update my site to this design format, and was so excited for what “my year” was going to bring.
The last year in my 40’s…
I had no idea what was about to hit me.
How the hell could anyone prepare?
As I read my 2015 posts, I realize I had no fucking idea what I was talking about. My life’s journey was surface-driven. I talked a good talk.
Don’t misunderstand me. I was and still am one hell of a life coach and mentor. I value what skills I bring to the table:
- Risk assessment
- Analysis (some days, when I am motivated)
The list goes on (without saying), but let’s stop here for now. Let’s call it my “Skills List.”
My Skills List were my greatest asset and helped me live through the past year.
The year I now call my Greatest (in Magnitude) Life’s Lesson.
Yes, losing Anthony, my firstborn, my son, is a life lesson. His death, not so subtly, taught me more about the woman inside of me than at any other time of my life.
As said in my September 1, 2015 column, it was “my year.”
Hell I named my blog Approaching 50 and Fabulous for a reason, it was supposed to be the “best time of my life,” “the final journey into full-on, can’t back it up adulthood.”
Now on September 1, 2016, I realize what a foreboding prediction that was.
Here I stand now, facing 50, 11 short days away and my oldest child is dead.
How do I face this milestone birthday now? How do I smile and accept greetings from my family and friends?
I have had to assemble all the power of Skills List to make it through these past 12 months. I will have to continue to harness my Skills List in order to face 50, head on. Nothing is stopping this moving train. 50 is here.
I wonder though if I can ever feel fabulous?
Truly heartfelt fabulous, not the superficial fabulous I feel when my skin looks great today. Those brief moments don’t last anyway. They’re temporary band aids. My heart and soul won’t grow with the superficial.
I need my Skills List ready for the decade to come.
My Greatest (in Magnitude) Life Lesson started on January 29, 2016, the day Anthony suffered an aneurysm and fell into a 12 day coma.
Every breath I have taken since that first day, has been a result of me harnessing every fiber of my being to continue living. Using every one of my skills on my list to save myself from emotional collapse.
Harnessing every fiber of my being and my Skills List to be a:
- Mother to my children, all 3 of them
- Life Advisor
I can’t use the term “Life Coach” because I simply say what is on my mind. I simply express my grief journey here. So I will use the term “Advisor,” I simply tell all of you what’s happening. I advise you on how I am feeling. Still a bit narcissistic, but let’s face it, who the hell knows how to deal with this situation?
I have no clue how to accurately process it all. I made and continue to make mistakes.
However, via my Greatest (in Magnitude Life Lesson and my Skills List, I learned who I truly am.
I know how much pain my soul can handle and gained a greater capacity for love. I have gained a new sense of emotional intelligence and awareness. I appreciate the precious little moments and I have learned ways to find a semblance of inner peace. Even if only for that moment. A long enough moment to write my feelings down.
50 is here. 11 days and counting down.
The journey continues…