Bereavement Family Happiness Little Moments Moms Parenting Work life balance

Confinement Goals?

July 14, 2016

I remember a year ago, you couldn’t get me to stop blogging, almost 4 times a week! I seemed to always have something to say. 

Power Songs, Motivation, confidence builders, weight loss struggles, I had the endless capacity to write about them all. 

Now, I find I struggle to put pen to paper, or I should say fingers to keyboard.  Thumbs actually, I write this from my phone.  

Months 4 and 5 without Anthony have become my solitary confinement.  Purposefully.   I am, to put it plainly, tired.  I want time alone.  I want to lock myself away in a dark corner and simply exist. 

I do spend more time alone, much more.   Most weekends are spent indoors, regardless of the beautiful summer weather.  I hope that Lou and the boys leave the house, so I can turn it into my solitary space.  Closing all the window blinds, turning off the television, I sit down on the couch and don’t move for a while.  I just sit…   It lasts all of a good 10 minutes.  Someone comes bounding back through the front door, the words “why are all the shades closed?” First words out of their mouths. 

Imagine if it could last.  The peace of being alone… In my own space….

For as long as I wanted it to last, even forever if that’s required. 

Solitary Confinement:

  • No words…
  • No sounds…
  • No motion…

Solitary Confinement is my safe space.  

  • I don’t get asked how I am doing….
  • I don’t cry at the slightest memory…
  • I don’t have to figure out how to answer life’s questions….
  • I don’t need to think

Solitary Confinement would be so wonderful.  

  • I could simply be…
  • No expectations…
  • No requirements…
  • No chatter…

Yeah right, who am I fooling?   Solitary Confinement may sound nice and all, however it is far from how I can live my life. Let’s think about the precluding factors:

  • I have two sons who need me…
  • I have friends and family who want to be next to me on this journey…
  • I have a career…
  • I have weight loss goals…
  • I need motivation…
  • I want to smile again…

While Solitary Confinement may be safe, it’s not the healthiest option to help mend my broken heart.  

Stepping outside back into the real world on most days keeps my remaining life without Anthony in perspective.  

It’s not the perspective I ever expected or asked for, who asks for a life of eternal grief and heartbreak?

I had simple goals a year ago, the most challenging, was the desire to lose 15 lbs. Menopause is a real bitch in the weight department. 

Fast forward one year later and I am debating whether or not to move forward into the “new normal,” whatever the fuck that means, or retreat into a safe space forever. 

I can either continue to push myself to live a life of activity and purpose, or simply exist. 

Right now, the final jury decision is still out.  Maybe there is a balance in between the two options?  

Who knows…?

What I do know is:

I miss Anthony and his annoyances more as the days pass.  That son of mine was one hell of a handful. But he was my handful. 

I pull Luciano and Joseph into tighter hugs than ever.  

I can’t say enough “I love yous” to everyone. 

Life is moving forward, whether I truly want it to or not.  

đź’‹~Miranda

He should be here.  

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2 Comments

  • Reply Mahevash August 1, 2016 at 6:26 am

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. May God heal your wounded soul soon. Take care.

    PS You are a wonderful writer.

    • Reply Miranda Allen August 1, 2016 at 8:34 am

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate them.

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