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Tough Girls Cry Too – Approaching 50 and Fabulous
Advice Bereavement Family Health Little Moments Moms Parenting

Tough Girls Cry Too

July 5, 2016

Tough girl in the fast lane
No time for love, no time for hate
No drama, no time for games
Tough girl whose soul aches

I’m at home, on my own
Check my phone, nothing, though
Act busy, order in
Pay TV, it’s agony

I may cry ruinin’ my makeup
Wash away all the things you’ve taken
And I don’t care if I don’t look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

Tough girl, I’m in pain
It’s lonely at the top, black outs and airplanes
And I still pour you a glass, of champagne
Tough girl whose soul aches

I’m at home, on my own
Check my phone, nothing, though
Act busy, order in
Pay TV, it’s agony

I may cry ruinin’ my makeup
Wash away all the things you’ve taken
And I don’t care if I don’t look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up,
I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up,
I wake up, I wake up, I wake up,
I love

I may cry ruinin’ my makeup
Wash away all the things you’ve taken
And I don’t care if I don’t look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their heart is breaking

Lately, there are so many songs that bring the pain of my son Anthony’s death to the surface.   The newest addition is Big Girls Cry by Sia. 

Big Girls Cry made its debut on the way to work this morning, as I strolled down Park Avenue at 39th Street,  after grabbing my Starbucks.  It’s been in my Amazon Prime music library for quite a while, I just so happened to ask my app to shuffle my playlist.  

Usually some Lindsey Sterling or Carrie Underwood would pop-up first.  Maybe even Tim McGraw.  Sia is in the playlist, but she never comes up first. 

I stopped in my tracks.  

Big Girls Cry.  

Tough girl whose soul aches. 

My soul aches daily.  

I went to visit Anthony this Sunday and sat on the bench.  It was recently moved closer to his wall, a family bought another bench to commemorate their loved one behind it, so (conveniently for me), the bench has been moved to a more strategic position.  

As I stared at his crypt, the memory of having to choose to keep him on life support or let him die came over me.  The tears well up even now as I write this.  What mother should make a decision to remove their child from this Earth?

I had to make a decision, based on two opinions and Anthony’s failing lungs to let him go.  

To Heaven. 

Without Me.

He will never grow up and get married, never have children.  Never know what it’s like to pay his own bills, move out on his own, fall in love.  I will never know what Anthony will be like as a caregiver to me one day (Omg, that portion probably would not go too well, just saying…)

I had to take that away from him.  I had no choice but to hold him and tell him it was ok to leave me and go to Heaven. 

Shit I didn’t want to cry but the tears are streaming down my face now as I write this and I don’t have a tissue.   

Get it together…

As I drove home on Sunday, I reminded myself that I didn’t have a choice.  His brain was too damaged, his lungs were no longer working on their own.  He was not coming back to me in any form that would have viability of life.  

However, I still had to make the decision. The decision to stop life support and let him go.  

To Heaven. 

Without Me. 

He had been with me his entire life.  He never lived alone or went off to college.  He wanted to go to school locally and ended up leaving college to focus on a trade.  

I wanted Anthony to leave me one day because he was getting married and I would be doing the traditional gift of a room of furniture for him and his new bride.  

Who the hell made the decision to let his life end this way??

Not me!  

Don’t I get a say?  I brought him into this world…

Oh wait, I did get a say.  

I watched the Doctors disconnect life support and let him breathe on his own. For the final four hours…

I brought Anthony into this world, and I was holding him as his heart beat for the last time.  I had a say in how it ended. 


Big Girls Cry. 

Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

💋~Miranda

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2 Comments

  • Reply Shiran July 6, 2016 at 1:06 am

    Love you!!! So strong and inspiring !!! You made the right decision. He’s still here with you everyday.

    • Reply Miranda Allen July 6, 2016 at 1:06 am

      Thank you. Love you too!!!

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