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My Peter Pan and Other Assorted Fairy Tales – Approaching 50 and Fabulous
Bereavement Health Little Moments Moms New York City Parenting Work life balance

My Peter Pan and Other Assorted Fairy Tales

June 28, 2016

Life is a Fairy Tale, although a Happy Ending is of your own making… No Godmother or Kiss can substitute for endurance of Mind and strength in Spirit. ~ Me

I am not trying to sound conceited, however lately I have received a large quantity of profound feedback. So many have commented that my strength,despite my grief, is an inspiration.   Thank you to everyone who has complimented me with their kind words.  I am so touched and honored by your compassion.   I am very lucky to have you all in my corner. 

I don’t feel strong most days, that’s for sure. My tears are a constant reminder of my weakness and broken heart.  I am simply doing what I have to in order to live.  I compartmentalize each of my emotions so, most days, one emotion doesn’t bleed over into the next (publicly anyway). 

I thought I was doing a great job of compartmentalizing until I asked Luciano to come with me to the cemetery on Sunday.  He said no.  When I asked him why, he said “because everytime we go, you cry. I don’t want to watch you cry.”

I thought I was doing so well and being strong for my sons, however, they see my weakness.  Can’t fool them.  

“Luciano, I cried on Mother’s Day because it was my first without your brother, then I cried on Father’s Day because it was Dad’s first without your brother. I promise I will be ok today.”

Leaning my hand against the kitchen island, I crossed my fingers as I spoke. Just in case I broke my promise.   Luciano agreed to go see his brother with me. 

I held it together.  

We went to Five Guys afterwards for burgers and shared a Salted Caramel and Bacon milkshake (which was so darn delicious, OMG).

We talked about school, his friends and on the way out, he said “thank you Mom.”  My promise was kept and my son was more secure.  

Short-term happy ending to this chapter. 

Just the night before it was a different storyline…

I was driving home, alone in my car about 8pm, just as the sun was setting.  It was a beautiful clear night to come.  

The song “Peter Pan” by Kelsea Ballerini came on the radio. I looked up and the sky was suddenly bathed in a RED glow, Anthony’s favorite color.  

As I listened to the words of the song, I broke into heaving sobs.  Yes, I had a tissue (thank goodness). I had to pull the car over to the side of the road so I wouldn’t get into an accident.  The words, the red sunset…it was a sign…

Anthony was here…

“Peter Pan”

The smile, the charm, the words, the spark,
Everything, you had it
I guess I had a naive heart, cause boy,
I let you have it
You said I was your only,
I never thought you’d leave me lonely
You’re just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You’re just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground

You’re always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You’re never gonna learn there’s no such place as Neverland
You don’t understand
You’ll never grow up
You’re never gonna be a man,
Peter Pan

Deep down, I knew that you were too good to be true
But every piece and part of me wanted to believe in you
But now it’s happily ever never
I guess now I know better
You’re just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You’re just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground

You’re always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You’re never gonna learn there’s no such place as Neverland
You don’t understand
You’ll never grow up
You’re never gonna be a man,
Peter Pan

You’re just a lost boy, yeah, I know who you are
You don’t know what you lost, boy,
You’re too busy chasing stars

And you’re always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You’re never gonna learn there’s no such place as Neverland
You don’t understand
You’ll never grow up
You’re never gonna be a man

You’re never grow up
Yeah you’re never gonna be a man,
Peter Pan

I thought to myself…Anthony will forever be my Peter Pan.  

My wild child, my lost boy, who didn’t get to grow up and be a man…. Dammit why did you leave me???

Gosh I miss him.  

I pulled my car back onto the road and drove home.  He is not coming back.  Acceptance is my only option.  I have to learn how to understand that and not dream that a Fairy Godmother would appear and tell me I can have one wish…

I would want my lost boy home.  So I can appropriately lose control of every human emotion I have and fall apart.  I want to be weak.  I want to crawl into one of Anthony’s big bear hugs and cry my eyes out.  I don’t think I would ever let him go.   

We would be Siamese twins. I would get a big tube of Gorilla Glue and adhere our skin together.   My son would never leave me again.  Not for one minute.  

The video for Peter Pan reminds me of Anthony’s love of risk taking. He always had a need for speed, danger and risk, despite the contrary complaints of his parents.  

Why don’t you grow up already?”   I said the phrase more times than I can count. 

I am sorry Anthony… Maybe I said that phrase about growing up one too many times?  

What will it take for you to jump out of Neverland and come home?  

My Fairy Tale doesn’t end here.  There are still many chapters to come. Many wishes still to make….

💋~Miranda

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