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All I Really Want…

June 16, 2016

Attended another funeral…a great man who, like my son, is gone too soon. 52 years young.  

Ignazio grew up with Lou. They met as children.  He was the dictionary-perfect definition of a “nice guy.”   He never had a bad word to say about anyone.  A friendly smile and a hug were always waiting. Laughter followed the trail he walked. He was a good, honest, hardworking man. 

He was a true artist.  A painter with an astounding attention to detail.  The creativity that flowed from his hands was remarkable.  A comment was made during his eulogy that he was “called to Heaven by God to give the Pearly Gates a golden touch-up.”  

I don’t doubt that statement for one second.  I hope Ignazio paints all of Heaven ahead of my arrival one day, it will be glorious sight to come home to. That and my Anthony’s arms.  

Ignazio leaves behind a wonderful wife and 4 gorgeous kids. I don’t throw the term wonderful and gorgeous around loosely either.   They truly are.  Oh my Lord they do NOT deserve what they’re going through right now.  

The unspeakable individual horror, pain, and mindless existence that accompanies grief.  They have no other option at the moment. The grief is a necessary evil.  

Cancer sucks balls. What a shitty disease. 

Ignazio’s wife and children join a club where Weirdlies, loneliness, love and strength are profoundly constant. 

To beat the Weirdlies and loneliness from taking over (and they will sure as hell try to drag anyone down into the depths of despair) his family will have to fight for themselves both collectively and individually.  

They’re going to succumb. 

Often.  

Just as I do.  

Attending another wake of someone I deeply care about, brings to mind an Alanis Morrisette song, “All I Really Want.”  

My brain isn’t functioning.  Life is on hold, again. I let the Weirdlies open the door and trot back into my mind. 

I tell myself over and over – who wants to sit next to me at another wake?  

Answer = no one.  

I am a lethal dose of extra sadness to anyone that knows me.  

Do I stress you out?
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say, “How appropriate”
I don’t dissect everything today
I don’t mean to pick you apart you see
But I can’t help it

An’ there I go jumpin’ before the gunshot has gone off

Slap me with a splintered ruler

And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn’t there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance

Wakes and funerals bring it all back. Every nauseating emotion.  

I can’t help feeling deprived too.

My son died 4 months ago… 

Yes I am crying for both of them.  

I want both men back on Earth.  

Neither of our families deserve this fate. 

Do I wear you out?
You must wonder why I’m relentless and all strung out
I’m consumed by the chill of solitary

I’m like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I’m frustrated by your apathy

And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature, ya
An’ what I wouldn’t give to find a soul mate?
Someone else to catch this drift
An’ what I wouldn’t give to meet a kindred?

I feel so shitty at a funeral, I used to have empathy before Anthony died.  I could be everyone’s rock. Hold them up.  I was steady on my own two feet. 

Wonder Woman. 

Now I feel like a freak for showing up.  

Why? Because everyone that sees me asks the $1Million Question – “How are you doing?”

It’s always followed by “this must be so hard for you, so soon.”  

I don’t fault anyone for asking, please don’t get me wrong…. But I betcha if any of my friends are reading this now, they’re thinking it’s so hard to say anything else to me…

I want to be NORMAL. Talk about normal life stories. 

This just Sucks.  For all of us.  I feel like I deprive my friends of love and support they deserve, like I am sucking up all the oxygen in a closed room. 

Enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let’s talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness
And the sound of pretenses is fallin’
All around, all around

Why are you so petrified of silence?

Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, you ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you’re gonna die?

Or did you long for the next distraction?

I know I long for another distraction. 

What a shitty fate. 

I don’t want to be surrounded by grief.  We didn’t ask for this shit.

I say the words “shit” and “shitty” every two minutes lately.  I am entitled.  

An all I need right now is intellectual intercourse. 
A soul to dig the hole much deeper

And I have no concept of time other than it is flyin’
If only I could kill the killer

An’ all I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength

An’ all I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice

‘Cause all I really want is some patience

I want to be the woman I was.  

I want to hold the world in the palm of my hand. 

I want to look in the mirror, walk to work, chat with my Sister over the phone, have a drink, and not cry for the son I lost.  

I want to be a friend to those who need me. 

I want to know what I can do to change this bullshit life back to the way it was.  

I want what was mine. 

It’s All I Really Want

đź’‹~ Miranda 

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