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Old Habits Are a B*tch to Break – Approaching 50 and Fabulous
Aging Bereavement Family Happiness Little Moments Midlife Moms Parenting Working Mom

Old Habits Are a B*tch to Break

June 9, 2016

It was so weird, last night I was changing into my pajamas, home alone and I said to myself “let me close the bedroom door, Anthony could walk in at any moment.” Old Habits are a Bitch to Break. 

I miss Anthony every moment of every day. How am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life?  

I make dinner and I automatically think about putting aside a plate for when Anthony gets home. 

My “beige food connoisseur.”  Pasta, bread, butter, grated cheese, he was a happy guy.  Vegetables always pushed to side of plate.  I ended up eating them, never a complaint from his side of the table. 

His brothers like their veggies, if I reach my fork out towards their plates I am greeted with a “back off Ma” or “you’ve got your own dish.”  No fun. 

Old habits are a bitch to break. 

I can’t take his clothes out of the drawers or closet.  What if there is a miracle and he comes home?  He will need something to wear.  I admittedly ironed one of his shirts recently, to feel close to him again. 

Old habits are a bitch to break.  

I know it’s only been 4 months and the pain is still deep and raw.  I can’t expect miracles.  

Every morning when I get up to go to work, I look in on the boys.  Even tho they’re 24, 21 and 17, I would peek into their rooms, make sure they were, first and foremost, in their beds.  Second, are they covered up tight?   

If I saw sheets wadded up on one end of the bed and their bodies on another, I would pull the covers over them, quietly and tuck them back in.  I did sneak a kiss on their cherubic foreheads now and then.  

No matter how old they are, they will always be my cherubs. 

I still go to all 3 doors.  Luciano and Joey get a check-in, tuck-in. I touch the knob of Anthony’s door, closing my eyes imagining the ritual I performed for 24 years.  

Old Habits are a Bitch to Break. 

I miss tucking that big Meatball back into his bed.  He would always be the one with sheets askew.  Requiring a stealth maneuver on my part to get his 6 foot tall, muscular frame back into bed. If I accidentally woke my sleeping giant…

“Ma, why do you do this every day?”

Because what if you are cold? “Sorry Anthony, I just want you to be comfortable.”

“I am fine Ma, go to work.”

Sorry Kiddo.  “Ok, sorry, love you”

“Love you too” 

We NEVER ended a conversation without an “I love you.”

Omg even if I was screaming at him like a maniac, top of my lungs, red in the face freak-out yelling, it would end with an “I love you.”

Every time. 

Old Habits are a Bitch to Break. 

My son, my first, my heart.  I miss every little thing about him. Even the stupid, nasty way he would bite his fingernails and spit them out.  

On my floor.  

So gross.  But it’s now gone.  

I miss the arguments about how ridiculous it was that he would spit fingernail slivers onto my floors. 

Imagine that. 

Old Habits are a Bitch to Break. 


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