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Asking the Same Question…? – Approaching 50 and Fabulous
Aging Bereavement Family Health Little Moments Midlife Moms Parenting Work life balance

Asking the Same Question…?

May 20, 2016

This past week I keep asking myself the same question and no, it’s not “why?”  

I keep asking myself, “who am I?”

I don’t seem to have that part of my life figured out anymore. Lately, I look in the mirror and I see a person I don’t recognize. I thought I knew myself pretty well before Anthony died. 

I had a pretty good handle on me. As a person, and woman. I thought I knew my strengths and weaknesses.  

I was well-educated, successful and hardworking woman. I was proud of my life and accomplishments.  

I had 3 handsome, good-hearted sons and lived a fairly turmoil filled life.  I had ups and downs like everyone else.  I had health issues.  I fought them and took pride in my dedication to fitness and nutrition. 

I dreaded the scale, counted calories, worried about where to eat dinner on a Friday.  

I have a good job, that I enjoy and a company I care about.  I loved my blog and knowing I was sharing fun and motivating tidbits for us midlife gals (and my younger readers too, I gave you a good role model). 

I also sat up all night in fear when Joey or Anthony didn’t come home on time (or at all). I yelled and screamed my head off at the scale of their stupidity, often. I wondered who would be lucky enough to marry my prizes one day. 

I was fairly normal.  Nothing special on the grand scale of life. 

Now I astound myself. Literally.  I have never had to be more brave. I didn’t think I had the resilience in me to face losing one of my children, but we often surprise ourselves when we have no other choice.  There is a big difference between forced bravery and chosen. Forced bravery requires a lifetime commitment.  And you have no options. 

I do try to find peace.   

My morning Starbucks runs are accompanied by me looking at the sky to hopefully see Anthony’s face. I hear him in my ear, “Hi Ma.”   

“Hey Pudding Pop,  I love you.”

“I love you too Ma.”

“Is it ok up there?  You alright?” 

“Yeah, it’s ok, really beautiful, but I miss you guys.” 

“I miss you too Baby. I will see you again one day.”

By this point I arrive at my office door; as I push the rotating glass a tear wells up in my eye.  Without fail. 

Is this my life now?  Talking to the sky?  

My relationships, in all aspects of my life have changed.   I value my alone time even more, yet I embrace the true comfort of my closest friends. 

How do I walk towards the rest of my days without my beloved son?   How does it all matter?  I was part of a full hand, 5. Now we are 4 living and 1 in Heaven.  

I hate when people who don’t know me ask how many children I have. 

“I have 3, a 21 year old, 17 year old and a 24 year old.  He passed away in February.”

The look of shock on the questioners face and the sympathetic response comes next.  

Is that my life now? Sympathetic responses?   I will forever have a son in Heaven.  An empty place at my table.  It’s something I have to come to grips with.  

There is a whole in my heart.  I feel it.  Will I eternally be incomplete now?  

Rushing towards the finish line is so unimportant now.  I no longer push myself.  Hence the lack of writing recently.  I love it, don’t get me wrong, but I am struggling to find something interesting to say.  

I went ahead and cut my hair short again. My previous superficial goal of having long hair on my 50th birthday just isn’t worth pursuing.   

I no longer feel comfort in my own skin. Self-doubt plagues me in the pursuit of a “new normal.”  If that term even exists.

Every facet of my life is under scrutiny. Who am I??

I did manage to find a song that helps to express how I feel inside.  Carrie Underwood’s Smoke Break. 

Smoke Break

 Tonight after work I plan on sitting on my front porch, glass in hand, and take a smoke brake. I don’t smoke, but it’s a break. Contemplate my next steps in life. 

I need to figure out who I am now.  I am more complex than I have given myself credit for. 

Right now, Starbucks in hand, it’s time to say hello to my Pudding Pop…

🍷💋~Miranda

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