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Quiet Storm – Approaching 50 and Fabulous
Bereavement Family Health Little Moments Midlife Moms Motivation Parenting

Quiet Storm

May 12, 2016

Yesterday was 3 months since Anthony passed away.  3 months already.  Time is moving too quickly without him.  Life is progressing in a new, unexpected direction.  I really didn’t want this new path.  

I didn’t ask for this, so why do I have to go through it?  I thought I had control over my life and the people in it. Not literal control, but I thought I got to dictate who stayed and who went away, at the very least.  

I was so very wrong.  

Hug your loved ones today.  Make sure they know you love them.  You don’t have any control on when those around you, leave you. It’s devastating. 

At least I know Anthony knew I loved him more than life itself.  I have no need for closure in the Emotions Given Department. I told him I loved him every morning and every night.  He knew he was my heart.  I rest peacefully on this one subject.   

Otherwise, I have fallen into a quiet phase.  I have spent the past month simply being.  Existing.  

Not looking for any excitement, I am actually content in my own little bubble I have crawled into.  

My weekends have become pretty regimented.  After a workout, I head to the cemetery, fall apart in a mess of tears, and once I have gotten my head back together, I drive home to attend church.  Sunday is chores (ironing, cleaning), a workout and prep for Monday.  


No frills. 

No Facebook check-ins at interesting new or old favorite restaurants or events.  We are not ready for that yet. Still too soon. 

I am not completely solitary, there is plenty of family nearby, however there is only so much socializing I can take these days without tearing up. 

The stormy tears started the minute they added Anthony’s photo to his headstone. Suddenly, his death is so real, so final. The picture on his final resting place.  It’s over.  He is forever 24.  

Seeing that photo sends me over the edge EVERY time.  I was much stronger prior to its existence.  Now everytime I visit the cemetery I lose it. Heaving sobs, snotty tissue and nose honking lose it.  

Grief is truly a rollercoaster. I thought I was a more proficient rider.  

Mother’s Day, as I predicted, sucked – however it didn’t suck as bad as I expected it to.  Everyone around me was so kind, and I got so many beautiful and profound wishes.  I am blessed that people took time out of their day to think of me. I do not take their efforts for granted. 

It would be easy to take everyone for granted, like I said in the beginning, I have gotten comfortable in the little bubble I have built to shield myself from the world.  I could easily wallow in self-pity. 

What good would that do?   

None. Tons of reasons why- 

  • Anthony is not coming back
  • His life, however short, was a gift from God
  • Gifts should be appreciated 
  • I loved him
  • Others loved him
  • Remembrances are everyone’s way of showing their love
  • Love is a gift
  • Gifts should be appreciated

I may enjoy my quiet now, but as I have learned these past 3 months, nothing lasts forever.  Not even a quiet storm.  

I am going to ride the waves and keep a supply of tissues handy for the hard times.  

I am also going to make sure everyone around me knows, they are loved.  


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