Mother’s Day is this Sunday. To say I am dreading it would be an injustice. I am not rejecting it and wallowing in a pool of sorrow for my situation.
My first Mother’s Day without my heart, my Anthony, is going to suck. There is no other way to say it. It is simply going to suck. But again, no wallowing.
It will be personally incomplete without the boy who gave me 24 years of grief, emotional upheavals, crying fits and sadness. He also gave me 24 years of love, devotion, laughter and pride. There are always two sides to every story and 2 sides to every relationship.
My son was a complete relationship. There were so many days I looked at him and wondered what the fuck I did, or who I pissed off to give me such a piece of work for a child. OMG Anthony was a HANDFUL. I shake my head as I write this. There were some rotten days. Very rotten days.
There was also a beautiful peace. We could lay down on opposite couches and talk for hours. If I wanted a hug, I got one. Anthony would always hold a door or chair out for me at the table. He would let me hold his arm during shopping trips or on walks. He was never embarrassed to be his mother’s son. He was also very polite, and a good conversationalist. I was always proud introducing him to everyone I know. He always made such a good impression.
Anthony and Mom. Peas and carrots. We went together. It’s why the rotten days were so hard to accept. Anthony was his mother’s son. On Mother’s Day, I am going to try my best to put on a brave face and have dinner with Lou’s family. If I can get out of bed. I just don’t know yet what the reaction will be. However, it will be my reaction. I have to own my feelings and accept them for what they need to be. But I will try.Losing a child is a devastating and lonely place. The Weirdly’s have owned many days. When I am out in the world – work, church, a mall, I feel like I am the only person in the room many times. Unable to relate to others and their normal lives.
What I have started to learn and embrace these past three months is that I am not alone in this. My grief is a shared emotion. First off, I have the most supportive set of family and friends ever- in the entire infinite universe. They grieve with me. They hug me, talk with me, let me cry and share glasses of Sauvignon Blanc or Pinot Grigio when required.
Anthony may have been his mother’s son, but he was also a brother, cousin, nephew, grandson and friend. He was his Dad’s son too, but this is Mother’s Day, so he has to wait till June.
Additionally, bereavement groups are everywhere and I belong to no less than 3 Facebook groups alone for bereaved parents. In my Compassionate Friends group there are almost 3,000 members. We share our stories, cry together and are all experiencing this upcoming Mother’s Day as a unified group. I am not alone in the suckiness. There are thousands like me, who will share the day and be there if I need to share a low emotion on the spur of the moment. It is liberating to know I can vent to thousands of people in a minute.
I won’t wallow in my loss or feel sorry for myself. I am going to try with every fiber of my being to be grateful on Mother’s Day for all of my children – the 2 who are with me and the one I held for 24 precious years until he was called to Heaven. I am going to accept the “Happy Mother’s Day” greetings and will consider each one a gift.
The only gift I want is to make it through, and smile a few times. There a few cuts and bruises from broken glass that is my heart, but I can patch those with band aids.
This is what I am and will always remain grateful for. My 3 sons.
Happy Mother’s Day to all.