Anthony, Mom does all of this for you… When really she just wants to curl up in a ball in the corner and let the world totally bypass her.
I want a Pajama Day. One where I can simply curl up on the chaise in my flannel pajamas, close all the blinds and sit in the dark with my memories, undisturbed.
I can cry if I want to. Unabashedly.
I can laugh if I want to, thinking about all the silly ways Anthony would make me smile.
I can pull a blanket over my head, close my eyes for hours and pretend the world isn’t real. I can pretend it was all just a bad dream.
He is still in the next room – getting ready to make an appearance and raid the fridge.
“You want a 4 egg omelette? Sure kiddo, Ma will make it for you. Ham or Sausage?”
Toast with extra butter, just the way he likes it.
I can hide my cell phone and not answer texts, emails or check my Facebook. Lord knows I need to spend less time on the phone anyway. A Pajama Day will be a good exercise in self-control.
I can play Anthony’s song “Blessed” by Elton John over and over. Singing it aloud and dreaming of what it would have been like to dance with him at his wedding.
He would be so handsome in his tuxedo. I would be the perfect Mother-of-the-Groom, fashion forward and stylish (of course). We would walk to the middle of the dance floor and he would take me into his arms to commence our dance, cameras flashing around us.
I would, as I always did, put both hands on his face and ask him to look me in the eyes.
“I am so proud of you. You’re a good man, with a heart of gold. You are my heart, don’t ever forget that. She is one lucky woman. I love you so much my kiddo.”
We would finish our dance with tight hugs and tears… I won’t be so quick to let go…
I always dreamed of having this moment with each of my boys. Now that Anthony is gone it is something that I will simply have to imagine.
At least in my imagination I will be forever thin, young and good looking. The bride won’t stand a chance. It’s MY day.
I can do anything I want on my Pajama Day.
Anthony, however, would not appreciate me taking a Pajama Day.
He would open every blind in the house to let the sunlight come flooding in. His blue eyes would be laser beamed on me in disbelief…
“Ma seriously. Get the blanket off your head and get dressed. You gotta take me to the mall and let’s stop on way for coffee. Get yourself together. You need a little makeup, and for goodness sake brush your hair. People we know will be out there and I don’t need you scaring them looking like that.”
I get up out of bed every day and put on my makeup. I brush my hair and even sometimes give it a nice blowout. People I know are looking at me.
I get dressed and head off to work. I try extra hard to focus on the task at hand versus feeling sorry for myself. Keeping busy is good. It’s what he expects of me.
First off I would be too antsy sitting in one spot.
I like how the sunlight feels on my face and every sunset reminds me of my sweet Angel. I want to experience them.
I want to experience life..
Anthony wants me to be strong for his brothers. For him…
So I am.
I don’t need a full Pajama Day, maybe just 2 hours on a Sunday. Occassionally, when truly needed. When/if the blues won’t go away.
No matter what, I can still pretend he is here, whenever I want.
I just have to pull myself together first.