Anxiety Bereavement Family Moms New York City Parenting Working Mom

One Day You’re Ok, Every Breath a Tear

March 24, 2016

Today is not good day emotionally. I miss my son. 

The power I felt yesterday has been quickly replaced by an unsure restless feeling which won’t subside.  The sadness that accompanies my loss grabbed ahold of me again. Shit. 

Everywhere I walked today, I thought about Anthony.  I found myself staring  into space blindly or tearing up randomly throughout. The breakfast run, a lunchtime trip on the Subway…  All of it just a blur today…

The incandescent noise of NYC replaced by a mother’s grey heartbeat.   

A letter to my Anthony… I need to talk to him directly today… 
Anthony – I would give anything to see you one more time kiddo. I miss you so much. Know that Ma thinks of you every minute of every day.  

You always said when I would get sad to stop my crying and be strong. I am trying. I swear I am. It’s not easy. Days like today remind me of all things you.  Dad has always been the more emotional one, however it’s my turn today.  I feel like I am letting you down. I am sorry. 

With Easter coming, it’s my first real holiday without you.  I never put much effort into Easter Sunday, other than Church with you and your brothers. Oh and a chocolate rabbit. That was standard. But for us, Easter was always about having dinner with the family and just being together. 

This year after Church, we will come visit you and then have our family dinner by your Aunt, but it won’t be the same. There will always be a plate missing. There will always be a smile missing. I can’t even bring myself to take family photos without you yet. Life is just so unfair sometimes.  You shouldn’t be missing. 

You should still be here with me. I know I am being selfish and greedy but, I deserve to. I am your mother. I made you. I should have gotten to determine when you leave.  

Why did God take you so soon?  He didn’t ask me if it was ok. I would have compromised if He said He needed you. 

I would have simply asked for more time. That’s all. Just more time. 

24 years old is too early to be gone. I know you’re in Heaven, and it’s better than Earth, but right now I want to hear your footsteps and not imagine them. I hope Aunt Eileen and your Great-Grandparents are all taking good care of you. 

STAY AWAY FROM THE HOOTCHIE MAMA ANGELS!! 

Oh what am I saying? 

I can see you now, cracking your gum, famous, “what’s up?” Opening line. 

Such a charmer. 

That’s the type I am sure you are chasing the most. In the past 3 years, you always went for the tight clothes, good looks and semi-brains. Dear goodness child, your choice in women sure needed refinement. I know I know, you were not serious about any of them. 

There was only one true-love in your life and she did a beautiful reading at your service. She’s just an amazing person. She has stayed in contact since, we are Facebook friends.  

Your brothers are ok, Luciano goes to the gym, drinks his protein, just like you. Joey may come to the tattoo parlor with me tomorrow, so I can finally finish my piercing. I will post a photo for you.  Still debating a tattoo, but Dad will freak if I put behind my ear, where I really want it. 

So we compromised on the piercing so I will leave it for now. Maybe in a few months…

Going to church tonight for Holy Thursday. Will be praying you hear me and send a sign that you’re ok. 

I love and miss you… Always 

đź’‹~Ma

To my readers, I wish you and your family a Blessed Easter. Thank you for allowing to me to come into your worlds and vent today.  

đź’‹~Miranda 

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2 Comments

  • Reply Cicely March 25, 2016 at 1:14 am

    Thank you for sharing your day. I’m very sorry for your loss.

    • Reply Miranda Allen March 25, 2016 at 1:17 am

      Thank you. I appreciate your kindness.

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