Weirdly #6 – Loneliness has gotten awfully comfortable. It’s manifested itself fully inside my body and no matter how often I am with other people, I retreat into myself and am alone. Completely and utterly alone.
I have tried to embrace my Catholic faith as a combatant to my space invader, but it’s not yet helping.
Yesterday was Palm Sunday, not the best day to attend Church with my sons, since the Passion of Jesus Christ and his crucifixion is the main topic. Suffering, betrayal, loss, death, all comes forth in the readings and sermon.
Just what I needed.
Tears flowed full force during Mass, and I sat there next to my two sons crying my eyes out. Thank Goodness I wore no makeup. Mascara would have been everywhere.
A woman behind me tapped me and said she was sorry, she must know me from the neighborhood, but I had no idea who she was. In the church with over 100 people, and my children, it was just me and my Weirdly. No one was there. I was alone and my grief took over.
Lou pays no attention to my tears. He is so wrapped up in his own grief on a daily basis, we may as well live in separate countries. I notice his eyes getting red too, however we both don’t acknowledge the other.
During our meeting with our Parish Priest last week (the only type of therapy Lou commits to at this time), I asked our Priest why…
Why does God allow suffering in those who believe and especially the young people?
My Priest responded… God allowed his own Son, Jesus Christ to suffer and die on the cross, suffering is not a foreign concept of faith. We can choose to suffer with God or suffer without God.
Made sense. Stayed with me. So I choose suffering with God. I walked out of that meeting with a mission to try to leverage my faith.
Faith isn’t helping the loneliness. I can still sit in my Church, surrounded by the congregation and feel very much alone.
Maybe I am expecting too much from God, too soon.
Maybe I am pushing myself too hard to feel normal– is there really such a concept anymore? What is normal anyway?
I am back at work, trying to be smart and productive. I want to set a good example. Show my boys their mother is strong, holding back my tears as much as I humanly can, and even allowing myself a laugh or two. However, I no longer feel part of the community. The minute the laughter is over, I feel a sense of loss and solitary confinement.
How the hell am I supposed to feel faith, hope and love if I can’t get out of my own head? I am stuck in here, my head, with my Weirdlies, getting more annoyed by the day.
Weirdly #6 – Loneliness, has made himself right at home. This is going to be a long eviction process.
P.S. Clarification – please do not misjudge that my column will now be a drawn out religious journey. Nothing wrong with spiritual journeys, it’s just not my be-all-end-all. However, my faith is important to me. Just as my reader’s Faith’s are important to them. Individually.
I do consider myself a spiritual person. I however believe in a woman’s right to choose and same-sex marriage so that’s where the Catholic Church and I mainly differ. That’s a topic for another day.
I felt that since this column talked a lot about the Catholic church I didn’t want my readers of other faiths to feel that I was pushing a specific agenda. Just saying.