I know in a few of my recent posts I have mentioned how weird I feel, and while it’s primarily just that, a feeling, it also manifests itself in physical symptoms that are quite unique for me.
The Weirdlies – as I now affectionately call them – have moved in to my house, my brain and my heart.
Damn grief, it lets anything in!!!
Maybe chronicling the adventures of my new tenants will help me evict them one day.
- Weirdly #1 – Loud noises scare the shit out of me. It’s almost a duck and cover reaction. My bones shake in fear.
- Weirdly #2 – Don’t come around the corner and surprise me. You will for sure give me a heart attack. Watch out for sharp objects.
- Weirdly #3 – The lasting physical effects of 1 and 2. Either puts me on the nearest couch/bed/chair having to close my eyes and recover.
- Weirdly #4 – Tears over the smallest stressors. This morning, I got to the bus stop just as the express bus was approaching and, despite waving for it to stop, it bypassed me. There was another bus coming in 3 minutes. Didn’t matter. My eyes filled with tears. At lunch I was walking through Grand Central Terminal and the tears hit me like a wave.
- Weirdly #5 – Confusion in all forms. 5 weeks ago, I had an agenda, purpose and direction. Now I walk randomly, cross many paths, but have no idea why I am there.
- Weirdly #6 – Loneliness. Go figure. I have to be one of the luckiest people in the world, I am surrounded by loving, brilliant individuals in all facets of my life. I am so blessed. Sitting here now, as I write, I am totally alone. My brain retreats into itself, and suddenly I can’t remember a single person’s name. My life is mine, my emotions are mine. Alone.
So far, the Weirdlies are a family of 6, living in a one room apartment, me. Damn it’s crowded in here.
This whole grief process can be compared to one of those real-estate scams where your house is bought out from under you.
You buy a nice home, decorate it to your taste and lifestyle. Celebrations, photos, memories, arguments and laughter all occur in your nice home. Then Grief spots your nice home.
You may hold the deed, but Grief sweeps in and in an all-cash deal, takes over your title, closes and becomes the new owner of your former property.
Once Grief seizes your house, it no longer matters what color you painted the master bedroom, or the new railings you put on the foyer stairs. Grief is the new owner.
The Weirdlies move in, they live here now too. Grief tells everyone to get along or else you have to move out. Your shampoo bottles are mysteriously empty, although the Weirdlies swear they are not using your shower.
Besides being an expanding family of 6, the Weirdlies also smoke, play loud music at all hours and have non-housebroken pets.
Ok which one of you Weirdlies let the dog shit on my new carpet?