Getting a mani/pedi right now, crying in the massage chair. Who cries in a massage chair? Seems I do. Everyone here knows what I am going through, yet no one knows the depth of the pain I am in. One of the girls gave me a tissue and a kind word, but it falls on deaf ears right now.
I am in my own little world. Back under the glass pile today.
These emotional swings are overwhelming. One day I think I am ok, the next I am a mess.
Didn’t help that I had a mother/son disagreement with Joey this morning. Any disagreement with Joey or Louie these days sends me off on a crying binge. Disagreements with my sons remind me how broken we all are right now.
Everyone’s emotions are magnified 10x more than ever. Now being Italian, we are an emotional bunch, but to see the anger, hurt, devastation and sheer rage that eminates now from my sons is truly upsetting. It’s so far beyond anything I have ever experienced as a Mom and I feel helpless at times. I know I wrote the other day that they need to express themselves, they do. Doesn’t mean I won’t get upset about it or have a weak moment and react.
Joey dropped me off at the nail salon with a kiss and an “I love you.” Everything is temporary, sting still remains.
Their pain tears at my heart in so many ways beyond Anthony’s passing. We all have to heal and it will take time.
I sit in on my nightly bereavement group and we are going to start Compassionate Friends family group on March 11. There are so many people like me, grieving their beautiful children, is comforting to know I am not alone.
However when push comes to shove, the chat room closes and the meetings end, I still am alone in the 4 walls I call home. I am still alone in the circular frame of my own mind.
My brain is on overdrive. And I can’t slow it down or let anyone else in right now.
I am alone, sitting in a massage chair, in the middle of the nail salon, missing my baby.