Bereavement Family Fitness Moms New York City Parenting Weight

Moving, Despite The Blood

February 26, 2016

One week has come and gone.  302 Thank You cards put into the mail. Visited Anthony twice and plan on going again Saturday.  My youngest son is back in school; I attend nightly Compassionate Friends on-line chat  meetings. 

I pulled together some courage to put my own wheels into motion. It is time to start setting goals and making some progress on my own movement back to a new normal. 

Digging myself out from under a pile of broken glass is no easy feat, there will be cuts and they may bleed excessively or require stitches. However, being sequestered in the quiet little world I have created for myself within this glistening pile of glass is not a practical solution.   Time to break out the bandages. 

Besides if my son saw me right now, he would say I looked horrible. Anthony always gave me a big dose of shit when I didn’t take care of myself. We shared a mutual commitment to fitness, nutrition and maintaining our personal appearance. 

  1. Workouts resumed – Rode my bike 2x, for an hour each. Small weights, it was a start. Cardio! 
  2. Putting wine glass down – almost.  Had a Cabernet with dinner, but it truly swells me up. I need to stop drinking every day, I cannot drown my sorrows and grieve with wine.  My dependence on my wine glass is disturbing…reaching for it every time I get stressed.  Not good. At all. Time to cut it back. 
  3. Less Junk Food – in progress. I comforted myself during Anthony’s hospitalization and passing by eating a shit-load of garbage. So unlike me. Processed cake, cookies, candy. I ate minimal amounts of junk food prior, however, Lindor Truffles have now been consumed by the half-bagful.  My new pimples are a result. My clothes are tighter.  I had already gained 10 lbs due to start of menopause, I don’t need anymore weight to fight to take off.   It’s here tho’, SMH. 
  4. Test my Emotions – I have had to be the “strong one” in my house.  My husband and youngest son are both  having a hard time accepting my son’s death. Hubby gets emotional every minute, I cry in private. I feel like a weirdo sometimes that I am not more emotional.  My blog helps me express myself. 
  5. Created Lasting Memory – We went to the hospital yesterday and made contributions to their hospice with the money we received at the funeral (thank you everyone).  There will be a memorial plaque added to the hospice “Tree of Life” in thanks to the Palliative Care Doctor and her staff. Additionally, we made a personal donation. A plaque that will be on the memorial wall at the entrance to the hospice when it’s renovations are finished.  Lou and I have signed on to continue personal contributions to the hospice.  I want other families to benefit from the same level of love and care our Anthony received in his final hours. 
  6. Put On Some Makeup and Did My Hair – first time today. And, believe it or not, I did my hair and put on some makeup to go to another funeral. Lou and I are attending the wake of a friend’s father tonight. I just wanted to look more like me and less like a woman in mourning.  It’s their turn to mourn. I feel like I would be taking away from the family if I showed up all a wreck. Tonight isn’t about me, so why not make myself look more normal?  

My movement doesn’t mean I didn’t have a few meltdowns in between.  This morning I got up the courage to go into Anthony’s bedroom. The door has been closed since his passing. 

I sat down on the bed the tears quickly arrived. Putting my head on his pillows I could still smell him. He hasn’t been in the bed in over a month; his sheets  freshly washed in anticipation of his return home and yet, he was there. 

I could smell him next to me on his bed. Just the way it used to be when we would have our Mother/Son chats or I would go in to kiss him goodnight. He was with me today. I felt warmth and peace. 

I know I have begun the first steps of a long journey to my new normal, but it is a journey I am certain Anthony wants me to take. 

đź’‹~Miranda

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