One week has come and gone. 302 Thank You cards put into the mail. Visited Anthony twice and plan on going again Saturday. My youngest son is back in school; I attend nightly Compassionate Friends on-line chat meetings.
I pulled together some courage to put my own wheels into motion. It is time to start setting goals and making some progress on my own movement back to a new normal.
Digging myself out from under a pile of broken glass is no easy feat, there will be cuts and they may bleed excessively or require stitches. However, being sequestered in the quiet little world I have created for myself within this glistening pile of glass is not a practical solution. Time to break out the bandages.
Besides if my son saw me right now, he would say I looked horrible. Anthony always gave me a big dose of shit when I didn’t take care of myself. We shared a mutual commitment to fitness, nutrition and maintaining our personal appearance.
- Workouts resumed – Rode my bike 2x, for an hour each. Small weights, it was a start. Cardio!
- Putting wine glass down – almost. Had a Cabernet with dinner, but it truly swells me up. I need to stop drinking every day, I cannot drown my sorrows and grieve with wine. My dependence on my wine glass is disturbing…reaching for it every time I get stressed. Not good. At all. Time to cut it back.
- Less Junk Food – in progress. I comforted myself during Anthony’s hospitalization and passing by eating a shit-load of garbage. So unlike me. Processed cake, cookies, candy. I ate minimal amounts of junk food prior, however, Lindor Truffles have now been consumed by the half-bagful. My new pimples are a result. My clothes are tighter. I had already gained 10 lbs due to start of menopause, I don’t need anymore weight to fight to take off. It’s here tho’, SMH.
- Test my Emotions – I have had to be the “strong one” in my house. My husband and youngest son are both having a hard time accepting my son’s death. Hubby gets emotional every minute, I cry in private. I feel like a weirdo sometimes that I am not more emotional. My blog helps me express myself.
- Created Lasting Memory – We went to the hospital yesterday and made contributions to their hospice with the money we received at the funeral (thank you everyone). There will be a memorial plaque added to the hospice “Tree of Life” in thanks to the Palliative Care Doctor and her staff. Additionally, we made a personal donation. A plaque that will be on the memorial wall at the entrance to the hospice when it’s renovations are finished. Lou and I have signed on to continue personal contributions to the hospice. I want other families to benefit from the same level of love and care our Anthony received in his final hours.
- Put On Some Makeup and Did My Hair – first time today. And, believe it or not, I did my hair and put on some makeup to go to another funeral. Lou and I are attending the wake of a friend’s father tonight. I just wanted to look more like me and less like a woman in mourning. It’s their turn to mourn. I feel like I would be taking away from the family if I showed up all a wreck. Tonight isn’t about me, so why not make myself look more normal?
My movement doesn’t mean I didn’t have a few meltdowns in between. This morning I got up the courage to go into Anthony’s bedroom. The door has been closed since his passing.
I sat down on the bed the tears quickly arrived. Putting my head on his pillows I could still smell him. He hasn’t been in the bed in over a month; his sheets freshly washed in anticipation of his return home and yet, he was there.
I could smell him next to me on his bed. Just the way it used to be when we would have our Mother/Son chats or I would go in to kiss him goodnight. He was with me today. I felt warmth and peace.
I know I have begun the first steps of a long journey to my new normal, but it is a journey I am certain Anthony wants me to take.